For many people anger is seen as an intolerable emotion. This may be particularly true for women who are often socialised to be soft, compliant, nurturing and supportive. For some, anger has been deemed unacceptable because they grew up with an angry, irritable or agitated parent and experienced the hurt and pain associated with that. A part of them decided – often unconsciously and at a young age – that they did not want to hurt others that way and so they drove their anger underground. The problem is, of course, that anger is an unavoidable emotion and if it is driven underground it will leak out in short outbursts often directed at the wrong people. For example, we may get angry with our boss but we don’t say anything to him or her and then let it out at home with our partner, the kids or the dog. Another problem is that if we repress our anger, we also suppress our assertiveness and power. They are connected. We are thus left powerless without the ability to set appropriate limits and voice our opinion. Women are often comfortable with sadness and might express hurt when in fact they are furious. Being hurt is acceptable for a women, being furious isn’t. We need to learn to recognise our anger and express it appropriately. We have to experiment with voicing our displeasure in a firm, assertive way. That will feel awkward, frightening and artificial in the beginning but as with all new behaviours or habits, if we persist and practice it, it will eventually become part of who we are.
The image that I get of anger is of a wolf – a furious, fierce, ferocious wolf snapping its jaws and growling on stiff legs and raised shackles. Scary and dangerous. Our task is to tame the wolf so that it becomes part of who we are, ready to spring into action to protect us when we need it but not unleashing its power at inappropriate times and causing chaos and unnecessary hurt.
