You might have noticed (for example when a friend introduces a new love interest or if you’re in a bar and a friend points out someone that they find attractive) how much variation there is when it comes to who we find attractive. So, what are some of the things that determine what and who we find erotic?
Evolutionary psychologists point out that what we find attractive are body shapes and facial features that signal good health because a healthy mate would increase the chance of survival for our off spring. Thus, we’re turned on by symmetrical faces, curves, muscles, youth and signs of wealth and prosperity.
But the purely biological is only one layer to what we find erotic. If that was the whole story, we would all desire the same handful of perfect specimens with beautiful bodies and perfect faces. Another element making up our sexual selves are things and people that have acquired significance through our lives. How we were loved and touched by our parents and who our parents were, have a significant influence on who we are attracted to. For example, studies have shown that we are more likely to marry someone from the same racial background as our opposite-sex parent and more likely to pick a partner with the same hair colour and eye colour as our opposite-sex parent. “What?!” you may be thinking “do we all end up marrying our mommy or daddy?!” No, of course not, but our opposite-sex parent does often have a strong influence on who we later connect with romantically. Either we are looking for similar traits (as I’ve written about before the brain generally prefers the familiar) or – if our relationship with one of our parents have been conflicted, distant or difficult in some other way – we may be attracted to opposite traits. For example, someone with a mother who was glamorous and dramatic but also emotionally distant and neglectful, may find himself drawn to a very grounded, nurturing plain looking woman because he, unconsciously, believes that such a woman would be able to give him the love that he was longing for as a child.
Another variable that can influence what we find attractive is our individual sexual history. Who hasn’t had the experience of getting sexually involved with someone who initially wouldn’t be considered “your type” only to find yourself later seeking out similar people in the crowd?
Our values and general worldview also influences who we fall for. If kindness is an important value to us, we’re unlikely to find someone attractive if we think they look cruel. If intelligence is seen as significant, we may get drawn to someone articulate or educated and turned off by someone who isn’t.
It is also likely that we find traits that compliment us attractive. If, for example, we are unsure of ourselves we may be drawn to someone who appears assertive and in control. Similarly, if we are highly emotional we may be attracted to people that show more emotional restraint.
So the origin of our sexual selves is a unique mix of biology, life experiences (including childhood experiences), our sexual history, values, complimentary traits and general world view. Which is why it is so hard to set up single friends because we generally don’t know all these things about a person. It also means that – as always when it comes to human beings – it is complex and multilayered and we simply won’t be able to understand ourselves or other people if we try to boil it down to one or two things. But isn’t that also why it is so interesting to be human?