Many people (most?) have a preferred way to numb uncomfortable emotions. We don’t like feeling disappointed, shame, anger, fear, grief or loneliness and so we find something to take the edge off – to allow us not to feel anything for a while. Of course, we can readily recognize this in other people especially those who are severely addicted , but the more interesting question is, are we able to recognise the closing down in ourselves? Because the truth is most of us do it. What do you do when you feel bad? Do you drink? Take drugs (including prescription medication)? Shop? Make yourself really busy (with work or socialising)? Eat too much? Watch a lot of TV? Have an Affair? Spend too much on the internet (including social media, which often, paradoxically, make people feel worse)? Do you gamble? Do you try to control everything by planing or trying to be perfect? Do you have compulsive sex?
There are 3 fundamental problems with this numbing or closing down (1) while we’re closed down, we’re not engaged in life and if we spend a lot of time numb or closed off, we miss a significant part of our life. It never fails to sadden me when people tell me of their regrets of not having lived more fully. (2) I have never come across anybody who can just numb the negative emotions. If I had, I would find out how and teach it to everybody – there is no need to feel unnecessary pain. The truth is, however, that if we numb ourselves to the good, we don’t feel much of anything even the good. We then live a sort of half life of numbness. (3) When we’re closed down, we’re unable to connect to others. We then miss moments of connection with partners, children, parents, friends, family, and colleagues that can significantly enrich our lives.
So ask yourself: How do you dull the pain? Next time you notice yourself closing down, try to do something different. Allow the negative emotion to be there and you’ll realise you can survive this. You can talk to someone about it, write about it, or simply just sit with the emotion. Because discomfort is part of being human and you can never outrun it or permanently numb it. And the price you pay for trying is too high, I think.