Recently a number of you have asked me advice about how to handle dating situations where it isn’t clear what the other person is thinking (is it ever?).
Here is a typical example that I hear again and again from both men and women in session: you’re unsure about how the other person is feeling and you don’t want to look interested or needy so you play it cool. You fear being rejected or humiliated and so you don’t return the calls, texts or emails (ever) or return them after a “suitable” period of time and when you finally get back to your date, you sound causal to the point of indifferent. “Oh yeah, I guess we can meet up briefly maybe, if it all works out”. Basically, you play games.
What you fail to understand it that we’re all in the same boat when it come to love and dating: we’re all hypersensitive to rejection. This is due to the fact that throughout human evolution our survival has depended on being tethered to other human beings. Throughout our development, the pain of rejection has served as a warning that we were in danger of being ostracized. This was dangerous because being isolated was likely to have a serious negative impact on our survival.
There are three potential consequences of the (dysfunctional) games people play in relationships (romantic or platonic because this doesn’t just happen in intimate relationships):
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There is room for significant regret. Few people (except maybe a few psychopaths) at the end of their lives think: “what great, destabilising games I played with people”. Most people really just want to connect in one way or another and the regrets often centres around not having connected in authentic ways.
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We miss opportunities for connection when both parties are so busy defending themselves and playing it cool that nothing ever gets off the ground. What a waste!
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We fail to realise that we all (again maybe with the exception of a few psychopaths but you best stay clear of them anyway) want to connect. It is just how we are wired.
Knowing that the person we’re dating is likely as terrified of being rejected as we are, helps us to remain genuine and authentic. Even if you realise that the person you’re on a date with is not well suited to you (i.e., they’re not your type or there’s no attraction), you can stay sincere and compassionate. You can say: “You seem like a nice person but I don’t really feel a spark between us”. Remember your goal is to terminate a date – not damage another human being.
As far as I’m concerned, games should only be played on the sports field, in the bedroom or involving some type of board games. Basically, games should be playful and safe and involve fun rather than pain and rejection. I am aware that behaving in a genuine way and refusing to play games can feel very risky, but I believe that in the long run it is better not only for the people that happen to cross our path but also for yourselves. And what many of you have already realised is that when we behave in a sincere and straightforward way, we’re extending an invitation to the other person to do the same and often that’s exactly what people then do.