Thank you to all of you who were brave enough to attend my first seminar on love, sex and relationships. It is something most of us are interested in (and believe we do poorly) but few are willing to admit that they feel lost when it comes to this very important area of their life.
Also, thank you for taking the time to give me feedback about the seminar. What I found most intriguing was that when asked whether a module on eroticism would be of interest 50% said: yes absolutely! and 50% said: No thanks!
It confirmed to me how unsure and conflicted we are about sex: we’re interested but feel uncomfortable talking about it; we lack a language to talk about it (some terms are too clinical, some too metaphorical and romantic and others too harsh and even derogatory). Many feel they are a little strange, backward or deviant when it comes to what they desire or what turns them off. And because it’s so difficult to have a real and honest conservation about sex with almost anyone, most of us have no idea about what’s “normal” and we hold ourselves up to an image that is often unrealistic. The whole thing is being made worse by the fact that we live under the (delusional) idea that sex is no longer a taboo. Yes, it’s true that sex is readily found in films, books, magazines and on the internet but has it made us understand our own sensual nature better? Does it hold up a realistic picture of what sex really looks like and feels like? And perhaps most importantly, has it made authentic conversations about what we like and dislike easier to have?
I’m not so sure.
You’d think that talking about what we like sexually would become easier in long-term relationships. The research, however, suggest that for many it becomes harder because there’s so much more at stake in these relationships. Thus, some people find it easier to act out sexual fantasies with people they are less committed to – in affairs or short-term relationships. As Alain de Botton puts it: “We may in fact find it easier to put on a rubber mask or pretend to be a predatory, incestuous relative with someone we’re not also going to have to eat breakfast with for the next three decades”
So, as always when it comes to human beings it’s complicated and multi-layered.