As I discussed in “Life is suffering” an unescapable fact of the human condition is that life is difficult from time to time.
The question remains, however, why do we keep insisting that this existential fact doesn’t apply to us?
Why do most of us go through life pretending that we have everything under control and that we don’t get annoyed with our kids, argue with our partners, get exasperated with our bosses, get anxious, feel rejected, have conflict with our parents, dislike our siblings, have financial worries, feel depressed, have affairs, wonder what’s it’s all for, feel panicky about getting older, drink too much, feel lonely, dislike our in-laws, overeat, feel shame about who we are, feel jealous, have anger out-bursts, get embarrassed about the children’s behaviour etc. Basically, all the usual stuff that comes with being human.
Who do we think we’re kidding?
How often I come across the idea of “don’t air your dirty laundry in public” or “what goes on in the family stays in the family”.
There are at least two reasons why I find this way of thinking dangerous and I never let it slide by in silence when it comes up in therapy.
The first reason is that it keeps people isolated and lonely. You obviously can’t nurture close, open, trusting relationships with people and at the same time not tell them what is really going on in your life. When you open up to someone about personal and difficult things, you are also extending an invitation to them to come closer to you, and in my experience this is exactly what people are often waiting for. Human beings are build to connect.
The second reason is that it never gives the (many) people who have a core-belief that they are not worthy of love the experience of being truly known and loved. If we cover up what we perceive to be our less desirable qualities we may come to believe that if people saw these qualities in us they would turn away in disgust. The only way to heal the belief that we are unworthy of love is to allow someone to know us – warts and all – and for us to realise that they love us regardless. But that involve revealing ourselves on a deeper level. To let someone see all the messy bits (yep – we all have them).
So, go ahead, loosen up and air your dirty laundry a little. See what happens. What you’ll realise is that we’re all basically struggling with the same issues – that we are indeed fellow travellers.