Recently a number of you have asked me advice about how to handle dating situations where it isn’t clear what the other person is thinking (is it ever?).<\/p>\n
Here is a typical example that I hear again and again from both men and women in session: you\u2019re unsure about how the other person is feeling and you don\u2019t want to look interested \u00a0or needy so you play it cool. You fear being rejected or humiliated and so you don\u2019t return the calls, texts or emails (ever) or return them after a \u201csuitable\u201d period of time and when you finally get back to your date, you sound causal to the point of indifferent. \u201cOh yeah, I guess we can meet up briefly maybe, if it all works out\u201d. \u00a0Basically, you play games.<\/p>\n
What you fail to understand it that we\u2019re all in the same boat when it come to love and dating: we\u2019re \u00a0all hypersensitive to rejection. This is due to the fact that throughout human evolution our survival has depended on being tethered to other human beings. Throughout our development, the pain of rejection has served as a warning that we were in danger of being ostracized. This was dangerous because being isolated was likely to have a serious negative impact on our survival.<\/p>\n
There are three potential consequences of the (dysfunctional) games people play in relationships (romantic or platonic because this doesn\u2019t just happen in intimate relationships):<\/p>\n
There is room for significant regret. Few people (except maybe a few psychopaths) at the end of their lives think: \u201cwhat great, destabilising games I played with people\u201d. Most people really just want to connect in one way or another and the regrets often centres around not having connected in authentic ways.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
We miss opportunities for connection when both parties are so busy defending themselves and playing it cool that nothing ever gets off the ground. What a waste!<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
We fail to realise that we all (again maybe with the exception of a few psychopaths but you best stay clear of them anyway) want to connect. It is just how we are wired.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Knowing that the person we\u2019re dating is likely as terrified of being rejected as we are, helps us to remain genuine and authentic. Even if you realise that the person you\u2019re on a date with is not well suited to you (i.e., they\u2019re not your type or there\u2019s no attraction), you can stay sincere and compassionate. You can say: \u201cYou seem like a nice person but I don\u2019t really feel a spark between us\u201d. Remember your goal is to terminate a date – not damage another human being.<\/p>\n
As far as I\u2019m concerned, games should only be played on the sports field, in the bedroom or involving some type of board games. Basically, \u00a0games should be playful and safe and involve fun rather than pain and rejection. \u00a0I am aware that behaving in a genuine way and refusing to play games can feel very risky, but I believe that in the long run it is better not only for the people that happen to cross our path but also for yourselves. And what many of you have already realised is that when we behave in a \u00a0sincere and straightforward way, we\u2019re extending an invitation to the other person to do the same and often that\u2019s exactly what people then do.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Recently a number of you have asked me advice about how to handle dating situations where it isn’t clear what the other person is thinking (is it ever?). Here is a typical example that I hear again and again from … Continue reading